It has been so stirring to be together after the east coast event. I am excited about the huge way that Jim and Bernie move to break through the hard-pack of death in people's lives. It touches me deeply and inspires me to greater expansion in my own life. I praise their exceptional passion, dedication and devotion to purpose, and above all their consistent physical movement beyond limitation of all kinds in their own lives that makes them living examples of their word. They are after all not bringing a message, they are bringing themselves, free of death. The integrity, the realness, the naked truth of them is hard to deny, and that is the first crack in the hard-pack....
I was feeling sad before I started writing this, having just got off the phone with my daughter, but I must say that in expressing about Jim and Bernie I was immediately lifted. I am so grateful that I have chosen to be with people with whom I do not ever have to experience heartbreak. My daughter is conflicted with who I am in her life. She wants me to be something I'm not and that blocks her from giving me credit for who I am. She just experienced a friend of hers dying from drugs at the age of 26 and is feeling a lot of pain and anger. She was telling me about it and I was agreeing with her that death sucks. Her friends are consoled with thinking he is in a "better place" but she has no such belief system to turn to. She knows he is gone forever and is having a hard time coming to grips with that. I understand. I am glad she is feeling and questioning, and not just numbing out like the rest of them. For a few minutes she was thankful to talk to me because I gave her a different sound than everyone else. However, instead of letting me stir her to a new life she is now angry at me for "giving her a lecture about how death is wrong, just like I always have all her life". I did not soothe her in the way she wanted to be soothed. If I can't be a mom to her, she wants a friend, and she does not feel I am either. She's right. Unfortunately, she will not go any further to find out who I really am to her, and I cannot tell her. I do not fit in either of those categories, so in her mind I must not be there for her and she experiences me in separation. In the past I have struggled to try and convince her that I love her, but today I cannot. I have no fight left in me, and no more inclination to engage her strong mentality. The death system carries weapons, guilt is a sharp sword. She calls me a coward. I am very happy today that these weapons can no longer wound me. It hurts me that my daughter chooses not to know me, but more than that I am sorry that she holds on to such a small life that ultimately holds so much pain and destruction for her. I want my daughter to live. No-one will ever take her place in my heart, but she feels that I am not with her. She feels alone and she blames me for it.
The only way I will ever be any comfort to my daughter is for her to join me in my world, as I cannot live in hers. I was already there, and I had to get out or die. I am so eternally grateful to the precious people who showed me a new way to go and with whom I share a beautiful life today. Thank you. You are my loves, my inspiration, my joy. I am on fire with you...