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unconditional love

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Stepping out of it all

As I sit here and ponder this weeks blogging, I’ve been going really deep in thinking about this one… family and religion. WOW!!! In my eyes, these are the biggest two obstacles for a person to improve themselves. The two things that don’t want you to change, don’t want you to be different, and above all else, don’t want you to live. Family (especially in the US) walks hand in hand with religion. Hell, it’s on our money… In God We Trust. But it really doesn’t matter what religion you are, even in paganism and other metaphysical/ spiritualisms they still have the gods and goddesses. There’s still something else out there calling the shots and you still have to die. It’s either God’s will or nature’s cycle.

I have stepped away and come back to this blog several times now. I realize that a lot is coming up for me. Even though I said goodbye to organized religion (Christianity) a long time ago, like Lorna said, the programming is still there. It’s deep inside your veins. The deep anger towards all the hypocrisy is still there. They love you and understand you… just as long as you are just like them. Just as long as you go along with the status quo. As soon as you start rocking the boat and stepping away to be your own person, they try to pull you back with guilt or they simple turn their backs on you. They preach of “unconditional love” but that is a lie. It’s truly conditional and they hold it over your head like a carrot. And the conditions of that contract state that you have to be a good little drone, don’t make waves, and above all else, you have to die.

I got a good dose of this hypocrisy and narrow mindedness a year ago when my mother died. I loved my mother and learned a lot from her. Most importantly I learned that I have to be true to myself and not let anyone else tell me different. I learned that lesson and stepped out of the family completely. She wasn’t so lucky and with each compromise, death claimed her a little more until it took her completely. The whole funeral preparation experience was surreal. I saw just how much of a split life my mother lead. On one side was the real family, my grandfather, brother and his family unit, and on the other was her chosen family, all her friends. People who have not been to church since they were children all of sudden become the most devote believers talking about god’s love and will and how she is in a better place. The whole thing disgusted me. “How can being dead and lying in a big hole in the ground be a better place?” I kept asking. I was met with disapproving, hostile and disgusted looks for that.

My mother was my last real tie to the family and I’m really glad to be done with the whole thing. I tried the follow up with keeping in touch with my brother and grandfather, but as usual when you are the “rebel” in the family, communication breaks down and if you want anything with them, you have to initiate it. So I stopped calling, sending cards and writing emails. Why waste your time and energy on people just because you share the same genetics? I am free! Free to step out and say goodbye once and for all to the family genetics. And the world and my body seems to be a tad lighter since I stepped out.

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